dear friend,

   here's what i've been thinking about lately. well, since i'm still having such a hard time accepting the news from halloween, i decided that i am going to do something with myself and go out more. it's better than staying at home and feeling this burden. it's too big of a pain for me to handle. i am fucking emotional this year and i'm pissed off at myself for not accepting the fact that i am just not good enough. i can't stand this, there's obviously something wrong with 2006 and i'm living a frikken nightmare. anyways, today i went out with diana and olivia. after olivia left i was talking to diana about mainly you know... that one issue i told you about. it was really awful for me to listen to at first 'cause i didnt' know how to keep myself steady. i just realized that i am afraid to be judged. i don't want people to judge me, GOSH. I AM WASTING MY TIME WITH ALL THESE MORONS. why won't you guys just see that i am right here?! i didn't go anywhere. i'm standing right in front of you. you guys just don't know that in my heart and mind i will always be here for you. always always be here for you, haven't i been carrying out all of those messages to any of you at all? is there a way that you could put your pride down for me as much i did for any of you? i took one chance i am not a begger and i will take anything you say to the heart, i'm following your rules but it's unfair because none of you will even listen to me as much the sacrifices i've made for any of you. you guys don't know how badly you took advantage of me and as far as you guys have ever taken me it's scarred me so much emotionally. it seems to me that none of you are ever going to grow up enough to understand that in life you really do have to let your mind expand, all you'll ever do as i see it is fool around with peoples emotions. why? tell me why? why did you guys pick me up when you knew that you weren't going to keep me? both of you are the same thing. same thing. i want you guys to grow up... one of you really need to know that i have never ever made you look bad to my friends. i liked you enough to have you keep your pride when you won't do the same for me, i liked you enough to be willing to try to have you grow up and feel. i don't want to leave you hurt and you know at this rate... so far you do have a chance and it's not too late but it doesn't look like you're going to take it, i really want you to, but you won't because you don't see me standing right there. i don't want to ruin anyone's happiness as long as you're happy i am happy for you. do you understand me? tell me, is it pathetic of me to still linger onto these emotions? tell me to my face that i'm stupid and use my feelings to raise your pride to make yourself feel better. what kind of person does that make you? does it make you a really high and mighty person? i don't care what you do now, but my feelings are none of your business unless you want them to be. my feelings involve me too so just stop staring at the fucking screen and just talk to me about how you really feel because i can't go on keep assuming. my pride does have a lot to do with this but i am not horrible enough to use you to make myself feel like i am on top of the world and that you can't resist being around me. i will never try to make you lose face in front of other people. do you understand that much of me? i care for you too much to care about every little pride. but you don't care enough to do the same for me. i'm on the edge of these emotions dying and could you just fucking catch me before it's too late? 

                                                                                                     Love,
                                                                                                                    Pride

Dear Friend,

   It's the weekend and I feel worse than ever, I can't stop myself from feeling this bad because I don't know what to do. I'm still living in the past I think I can't keep doing this. I want to erase myself from this life. Hell is worth more than feeling this pain... I wouldn't really know that but I'd rather feel worse about something else than this aching feeling inside about the same situation for the past two months. I am dying, my heart is getting weaker. It's losing too much emotions and the only one feeling it keeps is making me cry myself to sleep. I am not looking for pity, but I really wish this one person cared. I can't do anything anymore, I've already given up but the feeling still remains. I don't look at his face, I don't want to let him know that I feel shitty because of him I don't want to give him a mind to call me all those bad things. This broken heart of mine is wasting my time and I don't even know if it's love or not. I'm hillucinating. This is getting way to serious for me and I can't take it. I have to go to the psychiatrist I want to talk to someone. I've been talking to Irene about this horrible feeling but I'm so sorry Irene, that I wasted your time because in hopes you really wish I felt better but I don't think that it's working, I'm trying so hard to move on. I think I'm stuck in the same place... no matter how hard I try my heart gives me this sort of feeling that I am over it but then when one thing snaps back I hurt myself worse than before. I might as well stay this way. I've heard that when you grow up you tend to have characteristics of when you were little. When I was little I was hurt, and I was quiet. Maybe that's still the kind of person I should grow into. I don't know how deep I feel for him. God, I hate you for having me in this world. I hate you, for having those kind of people exist in this world. I hate you, for ever creating these emotions to feel. Maybe there's no such thing as god after all. There's no such thing as guidance and at this rate maybe there's no chance to heal this wound. I am so tired of this, why did the one person I adore so much had to turn out into the kind of person he is. Why did I spend my time the wrong way when I could've been just fine being on my own in the first place? Why do these moment structure me to feel this way... it's not all coincidence, someone or something is doing this to me on purpose and it's testing me. I failed. Do I have to wake up every moment and just feel this blob of pain inside my heart every morning now? I forgot how I used to feel every morning. I want to throw myself off the face of this planet. I don't have the easy way out, I can't forget this crap. Why, why... why. I'm broken.

                                                                                                     Millie Chen

Dear Friend,

   Guess what I found out? ... new girlfriend. I'm done. I am replaceable. How long did it have to take for me to tell myself to give up? Game over. There's nothing more to think about. All I have to do right now is put all of it to the back of my head and I'll forget it forever. I, Millie Chen was never loved by you & I will forget that I ever felt any compassion for you. This is my last and final goodbye.

                                                                                            Sincerely,
                                                                                                    Millie Chen